Drink It Up with Negativland (R.I.P. Five Alive)

So what's fashionable in 2019? New Coke, apparently. Seriously now, if something as universally scorned and derided as New Coke can be reborn as a hot nostalgic property, thanks to its association with a popular Netflix show, then I guess that's proof that a stopped clock is right twice a day. Or else a testament to the redemptive (some would say deceptive) power of nostalgia. Sooner or later everything looks better, the further away from you it gets.

The New Coke fiasco of '85 was but one chapter in the long-running rivalry between Coca-Cola and PepsiCo, popularly known as the "Cola Wars", in which the purveyors of two suspiciously similar products vie for our devotions using whatever hollow gimmickry they can mastermind. In New Coke's case, Coca-Cola apparently felt that the new generation had a sweeter tooth than they presently catered to and adjusted their formula accordingly. While I suspect that the majority of consumers were more indifferent to the reformulation than anecdotal history lets on, there's no denying that a large number of people took the change awfully hard and that it didn't take long (less than three months) for Coca-Cola to make a much-publicised u-turn. When the original formula was reintroduced, under the moniker "Coca-Cola Classic", consumers rushed out and bought it with such fervor that Coca-Cola suddenly rocketed massively ahead in the Cola Wars, giving rise to the popular conspiracy theory that New Coke's legendary failure was part of Coca-Cola's plan all along. Snopes tells us that it wasn't and I know we're supposed to trust Snopes, but I do have to admit, after that one Coca-Cola marketing officer came out and informed us that Tab Clear was purposely conceived as a kamikaze product (ie: one designed to go down and take Crystal Pepsi along with it), I've been somewhat inclined to re-open that particular case file. It's not, as Snopes suggests, that I'd like to think that The Coca-Cola Company is infallible (I'm not sure who out there would actually "like" to think that), but that I think we underestimate these corporate bigwigs at our own peril. For they are fat like a cat, and not that dumb and not that smart like a fox.

This enmity between two brands of enamel-rotting soft drinks has proven so tectonic-splitting that Californian plunderphonics band Negativland were inspired to devote an entire concept album to lampooning the sheer inanity of it all. In 1997 they released their eighth studio album, DisPepsi, mixing deadpan tunes and plundered sound collages to take a critical look at the almost Orwellian magnitude with which corporate advertising invades and pervades our daily lives, and at the colder banalities brewing beneath the capitalistic hoopla. As is stated within the album's sleeve notes, "both brands continue to spend millions every year to make and place their ads and commercials everywhere all the time. The actual value of doing this is now questionable at best since everyone has already tried these drinks and everyone knows everything about them that they will ever need to know." Topics covered range from the dubious psychology behind the Pepsi Challenge to the aforementioned speculation that the New Coke debacle was all but an ingeniously-engineered marketing stunt, and of course the odious use of celebrities to shill their products (one track, "Happy Hero", is a particularly searing attack on the shallow and potentially dangerous nature of celebrity worship, with thinly-veiled digs at Michael Jackson and OJ Simpson, among others, and the most hilariously ineffective use of a bleep censor in history). The stand-out track, however, would be "Drink It Up", a bone dry ditty confronting brand loyalty from the perspective of a stupefied consumer whose overwhelming thirst can only be satisfied by Pepsi. The real appeal of the track lies in the clever wordplay he uses to dismiss a wide array of rival brands and products - here's a run-down of what's name-checked and the accompanying puns:

"When 7-Up has got me down..."

7-Up, a brand of carbonated lemon-lime flavoured soft drink owned by Keurig Dr Pepper in the Us and PepsiCo elsewhere. The product's most famous marketing campaign involved a character named Fido Dido, created in 1985 by Joanna Ferrone and future Pepper Ann creator Sue Rose, although in the 1950s they had a series of commercials produced by Disney featuring a hyperactive rooster named Fresh-Up Freddie.

"When Hi-C gets me low..."

Hi-C, a brand of fruit juice manufactured by Minute Maid.

"My Labatt's Blue ain't blue, it's brown..."

Labatt, a Canadian beer brand. The product name "Blue" refers to the colour of the label, not the beverage itself, which is a standard beer colour.

"My Nestlé's Quik just makes me slow..."

Nestlé's Quik, a brand of drinking chocolate mix from Swiss company Nestlé. In Europe it was marketed under the alternate name Nesquik, which became the brand name worldwide as of 1999. Their advertising mascot is Quicky Bunny.

"When my sparkling cider's lost its shine..."

No brand name specified. Pun self-explanatory.

"My can of Sharp's is dull..."

Sharp's, a low-alcohol beer from the Miller Brewing Company based in Milwaukee, Wisconsin.

"Hawaiian Punch has knocked me cold..."

Hawaiian Punch, a brand of fruit drink owned by Keurig Dr Pepper. 5% real fruit juice, 95% vomit inducement.

"A feeling hits my skull.
And my mind just turns to Pepsi
And I couldn't tell you why...

Smart drinks lead me to forget..."

This was a 90s thing, I think. Smart drinks, also known as nootropic drinks, were a popular alternative to alcoholic drinks at underground raves, enabling venues to forgo the need for an alcohol sales permit. They were purported to enhance mental performance, although the jury is still out on their effectiveness.

"And Coke won't get me high..."

Coca-Cola, as noted, is Pepsi's biggest marketing rival. The phrase "Coke won't get me high" calls to mind the brand's more notorious namesake, and its historical role in the Coca-Cola manufacturing process, extract of fresh coca leaf being one of the key "medicinal" ingredients in the drink's original recipe (although the exact level of cocaine used is debatable). Can't beat the Real Thing.

"When Constant Comment won't shut up..."

Constant Comment, a brand of tea manufactured by Bigelow Tea Company.

"I'll sit right down and fill my cup
With Pepsi
Drink it up!

When Diet Rite to me is wrong..."

Diet Rite, a brand of sugar-free cola.

"My Country Time's expired..."

Country Time, a brand of powdered lemonade mix. I know this one because that Shelbyvillian kid was hawking it in that episode of The Simpsons. "There's never been anything close to a lemon in it!"

"My Minute Maid's an hour long..."

Minute Maid, the fruitier branch of the Cola-Cola family tree.

"My Maxwell House won't get me wired..."

Maxwell House, a brand of coffee. "Wired", in this context, means to be under the influence of caffeine.

"When my Pet milk turns on me..."

Pet, Inc, a manufacturer of evaporated milk. "Turns on me" has a double meaning, referring to the milk going sour and here being suggestive of a domesticated animal displaying aggression toward its owner.

"And my Five Alive is dead..."

Five Alive, a brand of fruit juice manufactured by Minute Maid, so-called because each variant is created from a combination of five different juices. The original Five Alive consisted of orange, lemon, grapefruit, tangerine and lime.

"When my Royal Crown's been overthrown..."

Royal Crown Cola, popularly known as RC Cola. Another, slightly less formidable contender to the cola throne.

"An impulse hits my head.
And my mind just turns to Pepsi
And I think of it a lot.

My Swiss Miss just wasn't pure..."

Swiss Miss, a brand of cocoa powder. For now I'll have to draw a blank as to whether there's any kind of pun going on here.

"And Kool-Aid isn't hot..."

Kool-Aid, a brand of powdered drink mix manufactured by Kraft Foods. It has particular notoriety for its role in the Jonestown Massacre of 1978, in which over 900 members of the religious cult People's Temple died in a murder-suicide pact after drinking from a vat of poisoned Kool-Aid (although there is some contention as to whether  the beverage they drank was Kool-Aid or a cheaper knock-off Flavor Aid; Kraft, who are obviously tired of the negative associations, are eager to push the latter argument). The incident gave rise to the expression "Drinking The Kool-Aid", denoting servitude to a cause or ideology to a dangerous or self-destructive degree.

"When Odwalla smoothies rough me up..."

Odwalla, a manufacturer of smoothies and fruit juices. I initially assumed that "rough me up" was a cheeky reference to the unfortunate side-effects of excessive smoothie consumption on the guts (whilst providing an additional bit of wordplay with "rough" being the opposite of "smooth"), but there may be a darker meaning. In 1996, Odwalla suffered some seriously negative publicity when an outbreak of E.Coli occurred due to their unsafe processing methods (although the tainted product in question was a batch of apple juice, not a smoothie), resulting in over 60 casualties and one fatality.

"I'll turn to a bigger cup of Pepsi
Drink it up!

When Samuel Adams makes me ail..."

Samuel Adams, a Boston beer brand. This pun plays on the fact that "ail" and "ale" are homophones, implying that the product makes him sick. 

"Dr. Pepper's not around..."

Dr. Pepper, a carbonated soft drink. The origins of the product's moniker are something of a mystery and, as with Coca-Cola, the formula is a trade secret, so no one really knows what they're putting into their bodies with this one. But then, what's the worst that could happen?

"When Sweet Success has let me fail..."

Sweet Success, a brand of diet milkshake manufactured by Nestlé.

"I crave a flavor most profound.
And my mind just turns to Pepsi
When I look, I see, I buy

My Crystal Light has just burned out..."

Another of those dubious powdered beverages manufactured by Kraft, this one boasting a low-calorie content.

"And Canada's gone Dry..."

Canada Dry, a brand of ginger ale.

"My Yoo-Hoo will not call to me..."

Yoo-Hoo, a chocolate-flavoured beverage. Also a common expression when trying to grab a distrait person's attention.

"I am a loyal endorsee of Pepsi
Drink it up!"

We then hear the following audio extract, in which a kid describes his personal fascination with a TV commercial for Pepsi:

"It's just a funny thing...it's just a funny thing, that Pepsi commercial where there's the sun setting on this barn, but you hear this sort of "reee rrrrh," "reee rrrrh," and you don't know what it is, then you see in the back of the barn there's a, a soda machine, and this guy has a dollar bill, going "reee rrrh," "reezh rrrh," and then it takes it. There's, "yes! yes!"

I couldn't pinpoint the source of this audio, but I have found the commercial that the kid in question is talking about. It was part of the "Nothing Else Is A Pepsi" campaign of the mid-90s, and is pretty much exactly as the kid describes it:

I can see why Negativland would choose to compliment their sardonic ode to brand loyalty with a callback to this particular advertisement. It's so bleak. For one thing, there's a lot of emphasis on the solitude of the protagonist. He whiles away the hours at an apparently abandoned gas station, locked in a Sisyphean struggle with a Pepsi vending machine that will not take his crumpled dollar bill, all set to the background noise of "Lonesome Town" by Ricky Nelson. There is a sense of the world still turning - the sun rises and sets as a rooster and coyote make their respective calls to mark the diurnal cycles - but as far as we know this man could well be the last on Earth. Even the slogan, "Nothing Else Is A Pepsi", sounds thoroughly dystopian, hinting that the world beyond the vending machine is an empty abyss offering no sweetness or reward. We have a hero whose only aspiration is to feed his last remaining dollar to a corporate machine, continuously reinserting the note with the monotonous desperation of a rat inside a Skinner Box hitting a lever in the hopes of receiving a food pellet (although I suspect that a rat would realise the futility and give up a lot more quickly). The ad's darkest moment arrives when the machine appears to have finally engulfed his dollar after umpteen failed attempts, and our protagonist celebrates his apparent victory over the mindless machine that's now a whole dollar richer than him. The final twist being that the machine is merely toying with him - it regurgitates his dollar, prompting the Sisyphean struggle to begin all over again. Obviously, the man's devotion to getting that infernal Pepsi is intended as a testament to the product's delicious, habit-forming taste, but it comes off as more of a commentary on the sheer callousness with which the corporate machinery encourages emotional dependency upon its brands and exploits our cravings to get us surrendering our money in exchange for its sugary, additive-laden concoctions.

What the...? The 1990s really were the decade of commercial crass, weren't they?

The sad thing is that, for all of the mockery heaped upon the notion of brand loyalty in Negativland's "Drink It Up", the song itself is ultimately proof that it works. In that listening to it does become something of a challenge in keeping your own Pavlovian urges in check while the various product names are reeled off. When I first heard the song back in April, I was not oblivious to the darker implications, and yet the thought that really dominated my mindset in the aftermath was, "Hmm, you know what I haven't had in years? A Five Alive." The result being that I went to three different supermarkets in an attempt to get my hands on the five-part concoction but every time my search came up fruitless. Does the product even exist any more? Is Five Alive officially dead? If so, then I don't suppose anyone has an unopened carton sitting around in a cupboard somewhere they'd be willing to send me? I have cravings to be satisfied.