It's been a productive March, so let's round it off with something short and sweet. If you know just two nuggets of behind-the-scenes information about "Life on The Fast Lane", then odds are that they consist of the following - a) in earlier versions of the script, Jacques was written as Swedish and his name was Bjorn (his sport of preference was also tennis, not bowling), but was made French at the suggestion of his voice actor Albert Brooks, who pointed out that the seductive Frenchman archetype offered a lot more comedic potential (the episode's alternate title, "Jacques To Be Wild", is a nod to his original identity, which would have entailed the title "Bjorn To Be Wild"), and b) most of Jacques' dialogue was improvised by Brooks, including his infamous, accent-less "Four onion rings!" bit. According to this episode's DVD commentary there was about three hours' worth of ad-libbing from Brooks that never made into the episode, although a selection of this did eventually see the light of day as a special feature on the Season 1 DVD box set. There, we get roughly three minutes and forty-five seconds' worth of unused material, which is considerably less than the fabled three hours, but still extremely precious. A sizeable chunk of that is devoted to an entire monologue improvised by Brooks for the sequence in which we see Jacques talking to his own reflection at the Fiesta Terrace (which also happens to be the last we see of him in the episode in question - more's the pity).
In the episode proper, this is a relatively brief sequence, with Jacques' sizzling titillation whittled down to the fine, highly quotable remark: "To the most beautiful moment in life...better than the deed, better than the memory - the moment of anticipation!" I love what Brooks came up with here, however, as it suggests a side to Jacques that seems frankly slightly demented. Thus, I've taken the liberty of transcribing it here for your reading pleasure:
"This is the most beautiful moment in life – a man who has just showered, who is staring at himself, being honest about his prowess...A man who has applied the proper amount of toilet water to his chin....A man who has sprayed his mouth, so his teeth smell like chocolate mints...
Here we go, Jacques, the stage is set…the audience is in…they have finished their orange drink…the orchestra has started to play…a homosexual-looking man has come out on the stage*…let the play begin! The stage is set…the curtain rises…the overture swells…wha - SIT DOWN, FAT WOMAN! I hate late people in my fantasy! Now, as the lights are out…I shall win…A TONY!
I bought too much cologne…I can’t return it…isn’t there a law you can’t return this stuff if you open it? I’ll put on a lot and maybe I will never have to put it on again. That would be wonderful, wouldn’t it, Jacques? Something where you could put it under your skin and it would deliver just the right amount of cologne all day long. You would always smell like you owned a lot of little poodles!**
To the most beautiful moment in life…better than the deed, better than the memory – the application of lipstick to a man! Hmm…too red. Perfect! The stage is set! The curtain rises! The overture swells…THE APARTMENT’S ON FIRE!!!"
* Err...pun intended?
** Incidentally, Jacques does own a poodle - we see it in the Season 2 episode "Bart's Dog Gets An F".
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